It sounds as though that moment on finishing Lopez’s book was one of those moments of deep insight, when you KNOW something, know its deep truth for you, with a visceral certainty and conviction that has no need for proof or rationalisation; a time when truth grips you so tightly, so insistently, it threatens to choke you with its grasp.

And yet, over time, and almost incredibly, the power of that certainty can fade; without reinforcement, the new knowledge becomes old and gets supplanted by the pressing matters of the moment.

I think we’ve both been there; I know you’ve known the insights and I’m guessing that, like me, you’ve also seen their vitality wane, as daily living provides them no sustenance.

How to keep that insight alive? I don’t know the answer for sure, but I suspect the best food for ideas is more ideas – and it sounds as though you’re already feeding them that way – and allowing them to become grounded and grow and develop through dialogue and sharing.

Easier said than done, I know. In my case, I think that what keeps me hanging on here more than anything else, is the fear of losing completely the self-knowledge and hope (which in my case already seems to be on that downwards waning path) that I’ve found through blogging, and especially through dialogue with the handful of those like you who are on a similar journey.

Kate, you asked, “...what is it that you long for more than anything else when you are feeling that lost empty alone joylessness? What do you most want?”. I guess we all seek to know what this gelled state of being might be. For me probably more than anything else I seek four things:

1) A place that allows me very intimate and intense interaction with a rich natural environment all around me, every day. I need a habitat in which humans are not the only living things around.

2) At least one or two very close friends whom I can call up or meet… and the same for them with me… any time I want. I used to have this while I lived in the States, but not for over 15 years here in Japan. I don’t remember the last time I sat back with someone and just had a good laugh. It’s so hard to make close friends with Japanese, in great part because they feel that it is not possible to see non-Japanese as anything but curiosities.

3) An occupation in which I can use my creative bent and feel I am doing some good for the world, instead of contributing to its damage or mediocrity. I have found through my English teaching job that I do love teaching, but would rather it be a subject that I find joy in learning from and about myself. I would love to teach about nature, being outdoors, learning to see, drawing, walking, observing animals, getting people to see how much a part of the natural world they are and how beautiful it is.

4) Being a part of a community in which rich differences are encouraged and rejoiced in, and in which I can contribute some level of responsibility and concern towards its future. Here in Japan I am a nonentity, living almost every day like a ghost, my words never given weight and my presence very often resented. I’ve been living five years in this present place and only twice has any of the neighbors ever bothered to return my hellos. This is not something “cultural”... in the last neighborhood I lived in many of the neighbors became acquantainces; we even took care of each other’s pets and children. Japanese are so suspicious of the rest of the world that you wonder why they even bother to participate at all in it. Definitely not my type of community.

There are a million other things that I would like to be different, but these things are perhaps the most telling and urgent. They are things I’ve wanted for a very long time, long before I returned to Japan. It doesn’t help that my wife sees things in a different way, and that is a hurdle that I must get over before I can move on.

Counting one’s blessings and enjoying the simple pleasures in daily living give me joy. I wish you the same and for your dreams to come true this year!